A French guest, beautiful blonde, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!" 

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Lela and I were lying in bed the other day. 

My hands were slowly finding their way across her body. 

I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world." 

She whispered back, 

"I will miss you."

A man went to the police station on Sunday wishing to speak with burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said desk sergeant.

"No, no, no" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Johnny's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be announced that day, he asked his son if he got a part.

Johnny enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

A woman and a man meet at a rapid dating service. 

The man sits down and says, "I've only got three questions."
"OK" replies the woman.

"Do you like to clean?" he asks.
"I love cleaning," she replies.

"Great. Do you like to cook for other people?"
"I love to cook," she says.

"Fantastic," says the man. "OK. last question. Do you like sex?"
"I like it infrequently," she replies.

The man then asks. "Is that one word or two?"

Jack is on his death bed and he says to his wife, 
"Can you give me one last wish?"
She says, "Anything you want."

He says, "After I die, will you marry Larry?"
She says, "But I thought you hated Larry."

With his last breath, he says, 
"I do."

John decided to start a new career as a painter. He drew his first painting and brought it to a gallery in New York. (See the picture)The  manager were intrigued by John’s “masterpiece” and asked  him for the painting’s name.
“Frankie in Las Vegas ”, John said, “and the woman in the picture is Frankie’s wife.”
“OK, that’s make sense. So this fellow behind her is Frankie, right?”, asked  the gallery manager.
“No!”, said John, “this is their neighbour, Ben.”
“Wait the minute - Why did you give it that name when Frankie is not even in the picture? And where is Frankie, anyway?”
“Well ...”, said John
“Frankie is in Las Vegas”.

Rešio Haso da počne da se bavi slikarstvom. Nacrtao je jednu sliku i odneo u Zvornik u jednu galeriju da je proda (vidi sliku).
Rista galerista je izgledao prilično zainteresovan: “I kažeš Haso, tvoja prva slika. Hmmm ... nije loše, nije loše ... Jesi l’ joj nadjenuo neko ime?”
Haso: “Mujo u Tuzli”
Rista: “Hmm, a ko je ova žena?”
Haso: “Mujina žena, Fata”
Rista: “Ja bi radje sliku nazv’o: Mujo i Fata na travi”
Haso: “Ma nije ovaj hajvan pozadi Mujo. Taj što ga gura zove se Djura i njihov je komšija.”
Rista: “Ne kontam, pa gdje je tu Mujo?”
Haso: “Pa, on je U TUZLI bolan”

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decided to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she let out a sigh. 

The man ran out and told the doctor who said that was a good sign and suggested he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. 

The husband went in and rubbed her right breast. This produced a moan from his wife. He rushed out and told the doctor. The doctor said this was amazing and a real breakthrough. 

The doctor then suggested the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he would wait outside as it is a personal act and he didn't want the man to be embarrassed. 

The man goes in, then came out about five minutes later, white as a sheet. He told the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asked what happen to which the man replied,' 'She choked.''

One day my wife was out and I was in charge of our daughter. She was 2 years old and her little 'tea set' was one of her favorite toys.

I was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought me a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my wife came home. I made her wait in the living room to watch our daughter bring me a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' 

My wife waited, and sure enough, here our daughter comes down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches me drink it up.

Then my wife says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water ... is the toilet?

"Either you are dead or my watch has stopped."

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

A man is in court. The Judge Judy says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued "... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"?

"Guilty", said the man in the dock.

Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!

At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"

He replied "He is my next door neighbor".

The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".

The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand.

Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. 

ابتسامة، انها ثاني افضل شيء يمكنك القيام به مع الشفاه الخاص بك.

A life with love will have some thorns ...

but a life without love will have no roses. 

A calm sea does not make a skilled sailor.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."


A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same : "You can have mine."


I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. 

"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." 

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: " All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. 

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. 

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. 

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. 

Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

A girl telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital and asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'
The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'
The girl said, 'Ginger Levinski - room 302.' 
The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Ginger is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Djura, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'
The girl said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'
The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Ginger your sister?'
The girl said, 'No, I'm Ginger Levinski in 302. No one tells me shit.'

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.
It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'.
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Kad sam bio mladji mrzeo sam da idem na vencanja.
Uvek bi se tu nasla neka baba da me zajebava i da mi govori kako sam ja SLEDECI na redu.
Onda sam pronasao resenje da mi vise ne dosadjuju. Kad bih iste te babe sretao na sahrani nekog od nasih rodjaka, ja bih im isto to govorio sto su one meni na nekom od vencanja. Sad me vise niko ne dira.